Emotionally Constipated

Tags

Covid, Darknightofthesoul, Emotions, freedom, love, Release, Shadowwork

Yes I know that is graphic but I cannot find any other way to explain where I’ve been these past few weeks. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not much on the expression of my emotions except anger and joy as they are the easiest for me to get out. I was not always this way though as I was taught that my emotional response to situations wasn’t necessary, needed, nor would it change anything at a very young age. My parents separated when I was still a toddler and I remember crying because my father was no longer at home and I was told by my mother that I should just stop crying because he wasn’t coming home any more. Is that something you should tell a toddler, no, but I am sure she didn’t know what else to say.

Fast forward to my adult life I have repeatedly attracted the emotionally unavailable male. To put it simply, “It is easy to attempt to commit to a man who does not want to commit when you have commitment issues.” I use to think that if my father left me why would any other man stick around for me. I probably should have continued therapy but I don’t want to just keep talking in circles about what happened I want to accept what things were and move forward to create the life that I have always dreamed of having.

Somewhere in these past few months I have faced some of the darkest parts of my soul and it is not a comfortable journey but it is necessary for me to ascend and vibrate at a higher level. For a while I was numb because I didn’t want to feel anything and I have noticed that I’ve slipped back into that numbness as a coping mechanism. The mind is a powerful thing and you can manifest any life that you want but one of the key things is making a decision. Because this is my life I have to sit with myself to see what I feel works best for me. One of the deepest waters to tread is deciding what it is that I actually want and what is programming from my up bringing, societal norms, and various other external influences.

Another thing that I have been silently dealing with is the fact that one of my friend’s husband is hospitalized due to Covid. I am an empath and I don’t broadcast that because it makes you a target more than anything else. I have tried since the start of this to divine what the outcome of this situation will be and initially I got nothing, and that worried me. Spirit was silent. My guides and angels were silent. Then last week I got peace that he would be ok and I was relieved until I remembered that sometimes means the person will transition and be made whole on the other side. I am not saying that is what is going to happen in this case but I’ve been living with this sadness for my friend. I don’t know what he is going through but I hold space for him as much as I can. So I have been carrying pain. I have had many positive things take place over the past few days and I’ve felt tears of joy forming but had no ability to release them.

I put on a song and allowed some tears to flow.

While listening to Aretha Franklin’s Ain’t No Way tears rolled down my cheeks. My controlled thoughts traveled across my mind as I need to make a decision yet again. Some people have a revolving door in your life because you allow them to. I can honestly say some people wouldn’t come back if I didn’t allow and want them to come back. A part of my shadow work is processing through letting go of people who don’t serve my highest good. even if its just energetically. Where I am right now is a hard one because ever since I can remember this man has been emotionally unavailable but I still love him deeply. It is also a mirror image of my parental relationships where I tried to preform to please them but I never received the adoration I desired in return. So I walked away and I deaded, or so I thought, those feelings and that attraction towards this man. The fact is I still love him. Unfortunately I can’t be 100% myself with him. Not because he doesn’t like who I am nor wants to change me but my love for and affection towards him makes him uncomfortable. So I give him space.

I live in a split place in my love life where I am not willing to settle for less than I deserve but the fact remains that I love this man. Now I can do the work and cut the cords of connection to him but quite honestly I don’t want to and I don’t know if that is good or bad. I will say that I have not placed my life on hold in hopes that he will some day wake up and be everything that I know he can be towards me. I know what I want in a significant other and no matter how much I love this man I have come to the realization that at this point in life he isn’t enough. Honestly no man I currently talk to or have talked to in my past has been enough.

So as I cried today for my friend. I also cried for the release of hope of me and this man being more than just friends. I don’t have to stop loving him but how I love him has to change. I prolonged this change because I had hope that things would change. I am not saying that it isn’t possible but I am saying that I am not allowing that hope to prevent me from progressing on. I breathe deeply tonight knowing that I have the blessing of my higher self and him to let it go. Letting go doesn’t change what he means to me but it frees us both to find that connection that will serve our highest good.

Now while I didn’t have a crying fit with snot and all I did get an emotional release that I have been needing for quite some time now. If this resonates with you let me know how below.

~Ciza

My life, My way

Tags

advice, freedom, Life, manifesting, wisdom

I find it hilarious how people frown when black people do stuff white people have been doing forever….THIS IS NOT A RACE THING SO KEEP READING!!!

When black people see other black people being free its such a foreign concept that they are often shocked and disgusted because I mean….how dare they be free?

I did all of the things I was “supposed” to do and I didn’t get the results like everyone else because I was following someone else’s path and not my own. Don’t get me wrong their tools were legit and worked for hundreds, maybe even thousands of people except me and I’m the only one who matters to me. I have been quite good at manifesting things my whole life but I could never get that consistent drip and that’s what I’ve always wanted most. I mean after all you can’t make it to the finals if you don’t put up the W’s during the season right? Someone can give you their blueprint to success but if you don’t know how to read it, it doesn’t matter.

Talking to my sister this week I was given a revelation, yes I still get those *dramatic gasp* but any way here it goes….Why sharpen a pencil with a knife when you have access to a pencil sharpener? Sure the knife will get the pencil sharp but it will take a lot longer than the tool that was actually made to sharpen the pencil. The other moral is there are more than one way to achieve a goal. We try to place people in these nice little boxes because its convenient and we can control outcomes better that way. Unfortunately putting people in cute little boxes really isn’t functional for actually living life. Consider the fact that no two finger prints are alike so what makes you think one person’s path to success is the only one that will work.

As a hedonist my happiness is honestly my number one priority above anyone and any thing else. Some people consider me selfish and that is fine that they feel that way because I spent most of my years on this earth thinking about others above myself and all it got me was a trip almost to the mental institution. I have literally been sucked bone dry by people who swore they loved me when all they really loved is what I could provide for them. I was on a never ending cycle of being guilt tripped into doing what others wanted me to do until I woke up and decided to take my power back.

I have so much potential to be so much in this world and I was stopping me from doing so because of thought forms that weren’t valid. Because I’ve been at home recovering from Rona I’ve had time to sit and think about my life as well as take the steps to finally becoming free. I have had to learn to detach myself from the outcomes of the things I wish to see in my life. It is important to know that you cannot manifest anything from a place of desperation and you have to be extremely specific about you want. I also keep things I’m working on close to my chest until I get the final confirmation that it’s happening or has happened. Not everyone is going to be happy for you even when they say they are.

You can listen to me or ignore me but watch my work. You cannot deny fruit no matter how dumb you think the tree is. I have fruit. K Byeeeee

Thank you Papa Legba

I have to give you all a back story before I fully dive into the topic at hand.

Growing up I had, and I still have, a relationship with my uncles that they protect me and provide for me in many ways. Some of my uncles always made sure I had money, some of them also provided food and shelter, one special uncle always makes sure I know how special I am, and all of them made and make sure I know who I am what our family stands for and that I have love. Not all little black girls get the safety I have been provided by my uncles and also my male cousins. I know that I am fortunate and I have apologized for taking this for granted.

It has been about a year since I was introduced to Papa Legba the gatekeeper who opens doors that need to be opened and closes doors that don’t serve my highest good. Papa also shows me which way I should go in life, he is my compass. There are millions of articles and youtube videos out there that can give you the details of who exactly Papa is but I will share from my experience what my relationship is like with him. I am warning you though that there is information out there that is not true about him so if interested I suggest you respectfully get to know him for yourself.

My relationship with Papa is fluid and matches my personality. I don’t like when people just come to me when they need something so when I work with an entity, even though I need their help, I work to build a relationship and get to know them for who they really are instead of walking up to them with my hand out. Honestly I didn’t even know the extent of what Papa was capable of but I was told before diving into the spirit world I should consort with him first as he leads the way. Now I am an intellectual who was raised Christian but have been deeply spiritually gifted my whole life so I am most often in a battle between my intellect and my spirituality. I can also be very skeptical but I made contact any way.

This time last year I was in the process of moving. My then job transferred me to a new city where I didn’t yet live so I stayed with a friend and commuted 1.5 hours one way for a total of 3 hours in a car a day 5 days a week. I had been looking for a pull out couch so I wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor when I moved to my apartment (I had applied but hadn’t been approved yet). All of my belongings were in a storage unit back in Michigan and I was in Alabama and I didn’t have a way to get my things moved. I walked into a furniture store and looked at some items but I fell in love with a particular couch as soon as my butt hit the pillow. There was also a table that lifts up and can be used as a desk. I was working and I figured I could get the monthly payments low enough to afford these things.

Working with Papa is similar to my relationship with my uncles. He teaches me to think on a different level and to go after what I want without settling. I am a very analytical and logical person in my dealings so I went about getting the furniture financed. I was given a delivery date and paid my deposit and I was happy. Unfortunately, the items I picked out were back ordered so instead of sleeping on the floor for a few days I would be sleeping on the floor for a few months. There was also an issue with the pricing because where I ordered the furniture and where I lived were in two different cities even though I gave them the delivery address. I was frustrated so I tried to go to another location and get different furniture but that previous financing was in place so there was a conflict. In my frustration I cancelled the order and requested a refund. The gentleman who I was talking to at the location closer to my house said I would be able to go to the store I made the agreement with and swipe my card and get an instant refund. However, the agent I had worked with originally informed me that I could not do that and the refund would have to be mailed via check.

I let the situation go and proceeded to wait for my refund check to come in the mail but in the mean time I got a text asking me to pick a date for my items to be delivered. I thought it was a mistake but I still picked a date. I called and checked the status with an agent and she confirmed. They delivered my items and I was never and will never be sent a bill. Papa did this for me. This couch and table are physical reminders that I am loved and supported by Papa and he cares about even the smallest details of my life. I hadn’t made an altar nor given him service but simply welcomed him into my life and thanked him for even taking audience with me. His days are Monday and Saturday. He likes coffee, candy/sweet treats, toys, whiskey, popcorn, fresh made tortilla chips, and your love and affection. I have had no negative impact despite that fake news about Papa killing that little girl. He is loving and kind but don’t cross him. Thank you Papa Legba for showing me the way!

An open letter of apology….

Tags

acceptance, awakening, divinity, spirituality

During the end of my path through Christianity I knew something wasn’t right and that things just weren’t working. I saw people around me getting their prayers answered and their dreams manifest while my missions were futile. I didn’t know what to do because Christianity was all I’d ever know religiously.

Before I go any further I am not bashing Christianity but I am allowing it to be known what my experiences were and are.

Secretly I believed in magic my whole life but because it was deemed demonic I left it to childish flights of fancy. However, when you are born with a gift it comes out in unexpected ways. That is not what this blog is about though. I have been in my apartment for almost a week now healing. I contracted Covid-19 and I am in quarantine until December 19th. In my experience when my body isn’t strong enough to fight off sickness it means more than just my body is afflicted and this case is no different. My soul needed a deep healing that can only take place when I am forced to sit alone with myself and tend to my wounds.

There are scars left on me by Christianity that have become apart of who I thought I was. I have been so deeply impacted that trust of any spiritual being is scarce. This is why I feel the need to apologize to my spiritual team. Honestly there are too many to name but if you pay attention to my posts in the future you may know who they are. Fortunately for me the gods and guides I have know just how demoralizing Christianity truly is. My whole life I was taught to deny what comes natural to me or to put it in this cute little pill form so that it is easy for people to digest. I almost died living life like this and while my body may have physically still existed my soul was crushed and my spirit broken. I literally had nothing left to give but still managed to manifest enough to keep surviving. Eventually I died, again.

Under Christianity I was taught to allow others to use, abuse, and manipulate me and my gifts all for the pushing forward of the kingdom. I gave when I didn’t have and showed up when sometimes I didn’t even know what I’d eat that day. All that mattered to them is that I looked the part. I can’t place the blame on anyone because I was a willingly ignorant participant in my own demise. I looked like a have but I had not and because I wasn’t a charity case I got no hand outs.

I said all of that to say I was spiritually in ruins and unable to truly trust my team even though they have proven themselves faithful daily. This year is the first time in my adult life since college that I have not received one eviction notice. My credit is improving daily. I truly love myself as I am and my goals for being in shape are becoming more of a reality. Before I was afraid to drop weight because I am a shapely woman and I was afraid of being attacked because men often can’t control themselves when looking at a woman’s body. I lived in legit fear of my safety if I even toned up a bit. In the past year I’ve dropped about 30 pounds by doing nothing more than shedding dead weight via old thought forms, dead relationships, and transforming my mind.

I have been able to do all of the things I have accomplished this year including passing anatomy and physiology because my spiritual team is with me. They kick my butt when need be and lick my wounds too. I have so much love and appreciation for my spiritual team because they have stuck with me even when I was like nah I’m good loves enjoy. I couldn’t trust them nor myself because I was looking at life through damaged eyes. My eyes have been healed and I see clearly now that I am loved, appreciated, wanted, and cared for. The universe has an invested interest in my success and I am finally able to allow the goodness to flow to me because I deserve it.

Nothing is wasted in my life though because my previous path prepared me for my current and future paths. I am still here and I am still standing giving true thanks to my spiritual team for making sure I live life to its fullest potential. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

~Ciza

My human experience 12.13.2020

Tags

blackgirlmagic, freedom, humanity, love, musings, polyamory

Sometimes you get tired of lamenting to your girls and in my case guys about first world problems. I live a good life. I have a place to stay that is safe. I have a vehicle that gets me back and forth to the places I want, need, and desire to go. I am legally and gainfully employed with a few side businesses. I could use some more money but who couldn’t?

As I sit here listening to Kid Kudi’s latest release I was inspired to write you all which is something I haven’t done in a really long time. I make no excuses nor any apologies but just know sometimes I’m too busy living life to write about it. I would say I’ve been wasting my energy trying to manifest my true love but nothing goes to waste in my life. Since I was a pre-teen I have been infatuated with romantic love even when I didn’t fully love myself. I have spent so much time looking externally for what lived inside me all along. You can’t love from the outside, it has to be in you. Think on that for a moment.

Most of my love interests have been more of a project than a life partner and since I’ve been totally single for a few months now I see that I am the project that needed my love the most. I had these ideas in my head which were based on lies and negative programming. I have always been a very pretty girl and now I am a beautiful woman but about a week ago a guy from my childhood told me that he always thought I was pretty and the 13 year old me with no self-esteem took a deep breath for the first time ever. I legit thought something was wrong with me because boys didn’t want anything to do with me. I received a healing that I didn’t know I needed.

Regardless of what anyone says most of us want that person who just gets us and loves us the way we need to be without having to explain every single detail. Somewhere along the lines my ideology of what a romantic relationship looks like has been sifted and shifted for me. Is it possible that what I seek isn’t found in the traditional sense which in western culture is monogamy? However we live in a society where exploring your sexuality is frowned upon. I was raised to be a Christian but that is no longer the path for me. I respect the belief system of others but I out grew the religion of my youth and ascension is the name of the game in this life but that is another post for another day, maybe.

Polyamory defined: the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. Now I am not saying this is the solution to my conundrum but it is a possibility. I have found myself caught in the middle of two loves before and if I would have had it my way I wouldn’t have chosen either or but both. I was told that if I really loved the first one then the second one wouldn’t have had a chance but as I have taken time out to understand myself I learned that isn’t true. I loved them both immensely but for very different reasons. Poly life has been on my mind for several years but I dismissed it due to previous programming.

I know that I am territorial but as I age I realize that I’d rather people do what they want to do so I can see what they would rather do. I’ve gotten accused of being an attention whore but the truth is I only want the attention of those I desire and all others attention is not necessary. As I sit right now I don’t know if poly life is for me because people are unpredictable and I don’t seek to control anyone but things happen and not everyone has my heart. I am loyal and committed. If we are a family unit then decisions should be made that benefit us as a whole and not just one person.

Something else I have learned is that just because you love a person in a poly situation doesn’t mean sex is the focus. I am a hyper sexual being but I am also selective with whom I share my body with. There exists a man in my life who just gets me and adds happiness to my life. Actually if I am honest there are two men who do give me the same satisfaction in different ways. Put a pin in that. Something else I have learned about myself is that I enjoy the company of myself BKA I like to be left alone a lot. I really only want the attention of my loves when I want it and when I don’t want to be bothered I feel their presence unnecessary. This is why I think long distance relationships appeal to me because I like my space. Now back to these two gentlemen…I enjoy their company and who I am when I am with them. The control freak in me was like well what if I could take all of the parts of the men I’ve loved and compose them into one being, perfection!

On the other hand I wonder if I am just being impatient. I want a husband and children but I also don’t want to feel tied down. I am not now nor have I ever been promiscuous so don’t confuse my need to be free with sex because that isn’t it. I am a unicorn so sometimes I might want to just frolic in a field of flowers one day alone. Then in the next breath I might want to cuddle up with my loved ones sharing what I discovered in the field while frolicking. When I say I enjoy my freedom I mean I enjoy the ability to see and be and think uninhibited. Some how and some way all of this will fall into place for me. I am not going to force it but I will simply be me and that will attract who and what I need when and how I need it. These are my musings. I hope you enjoyed!

~Ciza

I didn’t feel like it

Tags

Covid-19, Life, Rona, Updates

So it has been an extremely long time since I have posted and the truth is I just really had not felt like it. I have thought about making several posts but I don’t really like to post unless I actually have something to say that will benefit you all.

Since this pandemic Covid-19 started I have been doing wellness checks on random people who I rarely talk to so consider this my global wellness check.

I have been doing my best to be as productive as possible while staying in the house and I have accomplished a lot and set things in place that I would like to continue to build upon. Most of what I have done is tap into my true spiritual identity and calling which is another post for another time. The biggest life change is that I moved to Birmingham, AL and for the first time since college or ever actually I feel secure in my living arrangements. The 10 years of ages 23-33 were really rough for me but I learned some invaluable lessons that I’ll be sharing over the course of my lifetime with you all because it is too much for just one blog post.

I am working on making the rest of my life the best part of my life by re-parenting myself and setting boundaries in my relationships so that I don’t get taken advantage of.  I’ve started making content for my YouTube channel. I am multifaceted so you will see a lot of different content on there. If you’ve been following my blog you know make-up, skin care, holistic health, and having a good time are my passions so expect to see a combination of all of that including some spiritual information. Here lately I have been doing quite a few reviews especially since I did some online shopping while here at home. Don’t worry the only think I buy now is books and food lol.

I don’t get to hear from you all often so let me know in the comments…How you doin???

Truth is I’m tide (tired)….

Tags

Death, encouragement, Faith, Grief, Hope, Lessons Learned, Life, love, Randomness, Relationships, Update

It’s been such a long time since I have updated you all on my life so though I will do my best to keep this on topic I came here to release some things off my mind/heart.

Today I was off from work. I washed clothes, drying them currently, and cleaned my makeup brushes which were all the things I told myself I would do today sans washing my hair. I may or may not get to that tonight.

I have reached levels of humility that I never thought possible due to me having to move away from my mom. One day I may explain why but I have 0 desires to dive into the depths of details of my toxic relationship with my mother. She loves me and I love her and at this point nothing else really matters. I had to create space so I could focus and get my head right. I will say that I never imagined my mother would be included in the, “Everybody can’t go” wave. I serve a god of reconciliation so I trust Him to do what must be done to make sure that relationship is repaired.

I feel as if I am in protective custody hiding from someone trying to kill me and I guess in ways I am. There is an enemy in this world and it isn’t the people we interact with daily.

I have several decisions to make but I have already made them I honestly just have to trust God to come through for me like He always does. I am. Currently working as an arch expert full-time for Benefit Cosmetics which is one of the BEST companies I have ever worked for in my entire life. I get to build real connections with people and help them with their beauty needs. I’m not lucky I’m blessed! To top it off my skills as an Esthetician are growing and improving on all fronts. I’m trying new products and learning new key ingredients that target specific issues.

I do have some challenges but I fight everyday to remain grateful. One of my 3 grandmothers passed away a few weeks ago and no matter how happy I am that she is no longer suffering I still miss her more than words can express. Two weeks after she passed my general manager passed away. I’ve been kinda numb ever since. I am trying to grieve the best way I know how so I don’t get stuck but goodness it is difficult. Just because someone close to you transition from this world to the other doesn’t mean that life stops because time keeps going. Neither of these women would want me to sit around pouting because they always wanted me to keep it pushing regardless.

I will tell you that losing your grandmother will make you get mature really fast. Everyday I try to remember the lessons that she taught me about life. One of the lessons that resounded with me from the moment it left her lips till now is, “Baby when you get married you can’t do what you want to do.” What is funny about that is her and my Paw Paw were married over 61 years and she did what she wanted to, maybe not exactly when she wanted to but she did it lol. What has kept me from falling apart after her passing is her always telling me not to cry over her and to go on living because she made her peace with Jesus and she was alright with going to see Him. Towards the end of her days she prepared me for her transition. One of her last big scares she was in ICU and I was allowed to spend some time with her alone but I didn’t know what to say so I opened my bible app and read her the Psalms. At that point I wasn’t ready for her to go but by the time I knew the end was near my heart couldn’t allow her to stay in that condition. My last time I saw her in the nursing home I kissed her, said goodbye, and told her I loved her for the last time while she could hear me. Thankfully before that, while she was still up and talking I thanked her for everything she ever did for me and told her how much I appreciated her. We may not have been blood related but nothing could have made us closer connected. I am her Ce’Aira and she is my Nana.

So with all my challenges I may be tired but I’m no quitter. My Nana didn’t raise a quitter because God is so good and He looks out for His own.

Baggage

Tags

encouragement, Faith, Life, love, Randomness, Relationships

At the age of 32 it is understood that any man I entertain is going to come with some sort of baggage and it is solely up to me whether I decide to share his load or not.

We are gathered here today not to bash the men but to talk about me and my baggage. I have a heavy calling on my life, from God, and I said yes to it when I was 25 not knowing what I was getting myself into. What my call is, is constantly being revealed to me so I can’t tell you what it is line by line. The basis of my call is self sacrifice. Some people just say that their life is not their own but I live that every moment of every day of my life, especially since I moved back to Alabama to help see about my mom after her hip replacement surgery. Which leads me to my biggest bag and her name is mom, well that is what I call her.

Most people from the outside looking in believe we have this super perfect relationship and we don’t. We bump heads a lot because we are alike in so many ways but different in just as many. I cannot express how some things that have taken place in our lives have negatively impacted me as an adult. As most of you all know I am not yet married and I do not yet have children. A great deal of this is because I am not sure how someone else would be able to handle how dramatic and explosive my relationship with my mother can be. I am not intentionally disrespectful but sometimes my responses to her can appear so but unless you have lived my 32 years in my body with my mom you don’t know why I do what I do and how I do it.

I have anxiety which comes out as anger sometimes and I have learned that it is all spiritually based in fear, I’m walking out my deliverance. My mother can trigger my evil side quicker than a lightning strike and while I have gotten better at responding instead of reacting I am still a work in progress. My mother got married for the 3rd time when I was around 12 years old and he didn’t want to share her so I took a back burner. I never got to just spend time with my mom because he was always around and all of the attention I got from her was her telling me something I had done wrong. Ages 12-18 were dark times for me and I am still fighting to become who I was before that stage began.

Fast forward I am now 32 and my mother is attempting to make up for lost time. I originally came back to Alabama to stay for a few months and go back to Michigan but I have decided to stay here indefinitely. I have pretty much started a whole new life here but with some of the same issues. I work two jobs and I’ll be starting classes at the end of the month (I’m going to become a RN but that’s another post for another day) and I also help my mom with my 88 year old grandmother. So its safe to say that I don’t have much of a social life which doesn’t bother me often. However when I do decide to have a life I have to hear my mother’s commentary and disapproval because she wants me to be with her all of the time when I’m not at work or sleeping. I honestly don’t know how to set boundaries because I am currently making memories with the mom my teenaged/young adult me longed for when I am clearly a grown woman. With that being said I just let her do what she does.

I told my best friend tonight that it is rude for me to bring someone’s son into this mess because she can be a lot to deal with. I want to stop playing around and be in a serious relationship but right now due to time and baggage I’m just like *insert eye roll* I use to be excited about the possibility of starting a new relationship but now it seems like just one more portion being added to an already full plate.

If you know Jesus send a prayer up for ya girl because right now I am unable to can.

2019

So the new year is here and we are 40 days in. I feel like January was still apart of 2018 for some reason and it took like 12 years to go past meanwhile February is already almost half over. I have some new content that I will be posting as soon as I can properly format it. many of you don’t know that I am an Esthetician, Massage Therapist, and I moonlight as a Natural Cultavist (Braids, weaves, etc.). I also play in makeup (shameless plug for my professional Insta page @EyePlaiNMakeup). So far this year I have photographed me doing a makeup look as well as box braids on myself and as soon as I can make things look right I will post pictures and step by step instructions on how I did both. What I need from you all is to tell me what kinds of products you would like to see me review. Eventually I may vlog but because I have this hot Bachelors of Science degree in English I will be using it to write about products, styles, conferences, and other things that interest you ladies and gents.

I appreciate all feedback! Thanks

 

-Ciza

Chiiiile

Tags

Conferences, SarahJakesRoberts, WomanEvolve

Woman Evolve 2k18

What can I say? Do I even know the words to accurately describe just how amazing this experience was? The Holy Spirit came through in a major way, a way that I wish every blood washed believing house of worship would allow Him to. I can totally tell that SJR underestimated her influence. I did happen to get a picture with her but I was just honestly happy to be in the room filled with sisters who like me were desperate for a move of God that would shift us to higher hights and deeper depths.
Overall I feel as if Woman Evolve is a commandment!
Coming to Denver was a total sacrifice for me as I have not worked since May 29, 2018. However from the moment I learned about Woman Evolve I was drawn to be there. I told God that I didn’t know how but that I trusted Him to provide, and that He did. It was through His grace, mercy, and favor that I was able to get flights and lodging. Maybe one day I will go into details but this post is meant to focus on my experience which I am still unpacking/processing by the way.
At this stage in my life I am desperate to know God in every way possible. This past weekend I could see him in the familiar and new faces as I interacted and worshipped with women of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds.
As someone who is walking out her deliverance from anxiety I felt such a peace even in my concerns.
At the opening session I learned that it is ok for me to be a wild woman. Though my pregnancy is spiritual I still have to go through the process of birthing my baby even with the dragon standing there to devour it. Although I feel lonely at times I am never alone because God is there with me and will take care of my seed.
In the first breakout session I learned how to become something and someone who I have never seen before. I cannot control the things that people do to me but I can control how I respond. I have to control my Mind, Mouth, Moods, Motives, and Maneuvers. Which I believe is apart of remaining at my center. I cannot afford to allow others to take me out of character. As someone who feels she should be able to say whatever she wants when and how she wants it is important to remember my witness for Christ. Most importantly to properly Evolve I must check my environment for Eagles, Turkeys, and Chickens.
I got to kick it with the girls at the pajama party panel where we discussed our flaws and some things that we love about ourselves. I learned that purpose is not a pain free zone and that fear shouldn’t stop my faith but allow it to push me to the finished line. One of the best thoughts came from Angela Rye, “Be transparent and tell your truth even when you fall short.” That hit home with me because as a “church girl” there was this unspoken rule that you had to be perfect and make no mistakes. My messups don’t mean that I love God any less but that I made my will more important than His. There is no future in my fronting and my truth may just be the thing to set the captives free. Holy Spirit spoke to me that I can’t set someone free from something that never had me bound.
At the next morning session Pastor Touré talked about the reimagining of the woman in a way that makes me long to replay the message again because I know I missed somethings. He came out the gate shooting from the hip by saying, “When you have been opressed for so long it becomes normal.” Man made doctrine and improper interpretation of the Bible has led us to opression that God never intended. Woman is an extension of man and there for his equal not his doormat nor his assistant. We are to be united fronts. Positioned sometimes back to back or even side by side but not with the woman in the man’s shadow. In order to progress the kingdom we will have to join together and break the stronghold that this improper thought process has fortified.
In my next selected session, Releasing Regret, it was reinforced that I am a co-creator with God because that is who He designed me to be. Regret is painful and whenever I feel that pain it is because I have forgotten who I am or I’ve outgrown where I am. Also regret is what happens when we don’t know the value of something. When I release regret I free myself to become something new. I don’t have to keep reliving the things that have happened to me. Every time I talk about what they did it traps me in the frequency of that event. Acceptance is more powerful than love and every wound comes with a lie attached to it. Some stories you no longer need to retell because you no longer live in the space in which it happened to you.
I didn’t get to go to the final session I wanted to which was get up your start up due to it being at capacity. So my final session was with stylist Jason Bolin. At this point in the day I was hungry and sleepy so I didn’t glean as much as I should. One important thing he said that resonated with me is, “When you get up you should slay the day for yourself.” I am guilty of wondering what others think about my appearance and that traps me in an unnecessary prison. People will always have something to say about your appearance but won’t give you a dime to make changes. One thing I felt that Jason strongly desires is that we be confident in our personal style. We don’t have to follow the trends to be fashion forward and we don’t have to spend a bunch of money to look good. He styles some of his celebrity clients in pieces from Walmart and Target. One thing he stressed is getting things talilored to fit and how that improves your look.
Now for the final session. The Holy Spirit came through so strong and ministered to us all on a personal level. There was supposed to be a message through SJR but God did what He does best, showed up and showed out.
I did the best I could to put this event into words but I still don’t feel I did it justice. If you’re reading this blog and you want to share your experience with me please comment. Until next time….