I didn’t feel like it

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So it has been an extremely long time since I have posted and the truth is I just really had not felt like it. I have thought about making several posts but I don’t really like to post unless I actually have something to say that will benefit you all.

Since this pandemic Covid-19 started I have been doing wellness checks on random people who I rarely talk to so consider this my global wellness check.

I have been doing my best to be as productive as possible while staying in the house and I have accomplished a lot and set things in place that I would like to continue to build upon. Most of what I have done is tap into my true spiritual identity and calling which is another post for another time. The biggest life change is that I moved to Birmingham, AL and for the first time since college or ever actually I feel secure in my living arrangements. The 10 years of ages 23-33 were really rough for me but I learned some invaluable lessons that I’ll be sharing over the course of my lifetime with you all because it is too much for just one blog post.

I am working on making the rest of my life the best part of my life by re-parenting myself and setting boundaries in my relationships so that I don’t get taken advantage of.  I’ve started making content for my YouTube channel. I am multifaceted so you will see a lot of different content on there. If you’ve been following my blog you know make-up, skin care, holistic health, and having a good time are my passions so expect to see a combination of all of that including some spiritual information. Here lately I have been doing quite a few reviews especially since I did some online shopping while here at home. Don’t worry the only think I buy now is books and food lol.

I don’t get to hear from you all often so let me know in the comments…How you doin???

Truth is I’m tide (tired)….

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It’s been such a long time since I have updated you all on my life so though I will do my best to keep this on topic I came here to release some things off my mind/heart.

Today I was off from work. I washed clothes, drying them currently, and cleaned my makeup brushes which were all the things I told myself I would do today sans washing my hair. I may or may not get to that tonight.

I have reached levels of humility that I never thought possible due to me having to move away from my mom. One day I may explain why but I have 0 desires to dive into the depths of details of my toxic relationship with my mother. She loves me and I love her and at this point nothing else really matters. I had to create space so I could focus and get my head right. I will say that I never imagined my mother would be included in the, “Everybody can’t go” wave. I serve a god of reconciliation so I trust Him to do what must be done to make sure that relationship is repaired.

I feel as if I am in protective custody hiding from someone trying to kill me and I guess in ways I am. There is an enemy in this world and it isn’t the people we interact with daily.

I have several decisions to make but I have already made them I honestly just have to trust God to come through for me like He always does. I am. Currently working as an arch expert full-time for Benefit Cosmetics which is one of the BEST companies I have ever worked for in my entire life. I get to build real connections with people and help them with their beauty needs. I’m not lucky I’m blessed! To top it off my skills as an Esthetician are growing and improving on all fronts. I’m trying new products and learning new key ingredients that target specific issues.

I do have some challenges but I fight everyday to remain grateful. One of my 3 grandmothers passed away a few weeks ago and no matter how happy I am that she is no longer suffering I still miss her more than words can express. Two weeks after she passed my general manager passed away. I’ve been kinda numb ever since. I am trying to grieve the best way I know how so I don’t get stuck but goodness it is difficult. Just because someone close to you transition from this world to the other doesn’t mean that life stops because time keeps going. Neither of these women would want me to sit around pouting because they always wanted me to keep it pushing regardless.

I will tell you that losing your grandmother will make you get mature really fast. Everyday I try to remember the lessons that she taught me about life. One of the lessons that resounded with me from the moment it left her lips till now is, “Baby when you get married you can’t do what you want to do.” What is funny about that is her and my Paw Paw were married over 61 years and she did what she wanted to, maybe not exactly when she wanted to but she did it lol. What has kept me from falling apart after her passing is her always telling me not to cry over her and to go on living because she made her peace with Jesus and she was alright with going to see Him. Towards the end of her days she prepared me for her transition. One of her last big scares she was in ICU and I was allowed to spend some time with her alone but I didn’t know what to say so I opened my bible app and read her the Psalms. At that point I wasn’t ready for her to go but by the time I knew the end was near my heart couldn’t allow her to stay in that condition. My last time I saw her in the nursing home I kissed her, said goodbye, and told her I loved her for the last time while she could hear me. Thankfully before that, while she was still up and talking I thanked her for everything she ever did for me and told her how much I appreciated her. We may not have been blood related but nothing could have made us closer connected. I am her Ce’Aira and she is my Nana.

So with all my challenges I may be tired but I’m no quitter. My Nana didn’t raise a quitter because God is so good and He looks out for His own.

Baggage

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At the age of 32 it is understood that any man I entertain is going to come with some sort of baggage and it is solely up to me whether I decide to share his load or not.

We are gathered here today not to bash the men but to talk about me and my baggage. I have a heavy calling on my life, from God, and I said yes to it when I was 25 not knowing what I was getting myself into. What my call is, is constantly being revealed to me so I can’t tell you what it is line by line. The basis of my call is self sacrifice. Some people just say that their life is not their own but I live that every moment of every day of my life, especially since I moved back to Alabama to help see about my mom after her hip replacement surgery. Which leads me to my biggest bag and her name is mom, well that is what I call her.

Most people from the outside looking in believe we have this super perfect relationship and we don’t. We bump heads a lot because we are alike in so many ways but different in just as many. I cannot express how some things that have taken place in our lives have negatively impacted me as an adult. As most of you all know I am not yet married and I do not yet have children. A great deal of this is because I am not sure how someone else would be able to handle how dramatic and explosive my relationship with my mother can be. I am not intentionally disrespectful but sometimes my responses to her can appear so but unless you have lived my 32 years in my body with my mom you don’t know why I do what I do and how I do it.

I have anxiety which comes out as anger sometimes and I have learned that it is all spiritually based in fear, I’m walking out my deliverance. My mother can trigger my evil side quicker than a lightning strike and while I have gotten better at responding instead of reacting I am still a work in progress. My mother got married for the 3rd time when I was around 12 years old and he didn’t want to share her so I took a back burner. I never got to just spend time with my mom because he was always around and all of the attention I got from her was her telling me something I had done wrong. Ages 12-18 were dark times for me and I am still fighting to become who I was before that stage began.

Fast forward I am now 32 and my mother is attempting to make up for lost time. I originally came back to Alabama to stay for a few months and go back to Michigan but I have decided to stay here indefinitely. I have pretty much started a whole new life here but with some of the same issues. I work two jobs and I’ll be starting classes at the end of the month (I’m going to become a RN but that’s another post for another day) and I also help my mom with my 88 year old grandmother. So its safe to say that I don’t have much of a social life which doesn’t bother me often. However when I do decide to have a life I have to hear my mother’s commentary and disapproval because she wants me to be with her all of the time when I’m not at work or sleeping. I honestly don’t know how to set boundaries because I am currently making memories with the mom my teenaged/young adult me longed for when I am clearly a grown woman. With that being said I just let her do what she does.

I told my best friend tonight that it is rude for me to bring someone’s son into this mess because she can be a lot to deal with. I want to stop playing around and be in a serious relationship but right now due to time and baggage I’m just like *insert eye roll* I use to be excited about the possibility of starting a new relationship but now it seems like just one more portion being added to an already full plate.

If you know Jesus send a prayer up for ya girl because right now I am unable to can.

2019

So the new year is here and we are 40 days in. I feel like January was still apart of 2018 for some reason and it took like 12 years to go past meanwhile February is already almost half over. I have some new content that I will be posting as soon as I can properly format it. many of you don’t know that I am an Esthetician, Massage Therapist, and I moonlight as a Natural Cultavist (Braids, weaves, etc.). I also play in makeup (shameless plug for my professional Insta page @EyePlaiNMakeup). So far this year I have photographed me doing a makeup look as well as box braids on myself and as soon as I can make things look right I will post pictures and step by step instructions on how I did both. What I need from you all is to tell me what kinds of products you would like to see me review. Eventually I may vlog but because I have this hot Bachelors of Science degree in English I will be using it to write about products, styles, conferences, and other things that interest you ladies and gents.

I appreciate all feedback! Thanks

 

-Ciza

Chiiiile

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Woman Evolve 2k18

What can I say? Do I even know the words to accurately describe just how amazing this experience was? The Holy Spirit came through in a major way, a way that I wish every blood washed believing house of worship would allow Him to. I can totally tell that SJR underestimated her influence. I did happen to get a picture with her but I was just honestly happy to be in the room filled with sisters who like me were desperate for a move of God that would shift us to higher hights and deeper depths.
Overall I feel as if Woman Evolve is a commandment!
Coming to Denver was a total sacrifice for me as I have not worked since May 29, 2018. However from the moment I learned about Woman Evolve I was drawn to be there. I told God that I didn’t know how but that I trusted Him to provide, and that He did. It was through His grace, mercy, and favor that I was able to get flights and lodging. Maybe one day I will go into details but this post is meant to focus on my experience which I am still unpacking/processing by the way.
At this stage in my life I am desperate to know God in every way possible. This past weekend I could see him in the familiar and new faces as I interacted and worshipped with women of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds.
As someone who is walking out her deliverance from anxiety I felt such a peace even in my concerns.
At the opening session I learned that it is ok for me to be a wild woman. Though my pregnancy is spiritual I still have to go through the process of birthing my baby even with the dragon standing there to devour it. Although I feel lonely at times I am never alone because God is there with me and will take care of my seed.
In the first breakout session I learned how to become something and someone who I have never seen before. I cannot control the things that people do to me but I can control how I respond. I have to control my Mind, Mouth, Moods, Motives, and Maneuvers. Which I believe is apart of remaining at my center. I cannot afford to allow others to take me out of character. As someone who feels she should be able to say whatever she wants when and how she wants it is important to remember my witness for Christ. Most importantly to properly Evolve I must check my environment for Eagles, Turkeys, and Chickens.
I got to kick it with the girls at the pajama party panel where we discussed our flaws and some things that we love about ourselves. I learned that purpose is not a pain free zone and that fear shouldn’t stop my faith but allow it to push me to the finished line. One of the best thoughts came from Angela Rye, “Be transparent and tell your truth even when you fall short.” That hit home with me because as a “church girl” there was this unspoken rule that you had to be perfect and make no mistakes. My messups don’t mean that I love God any less but that I made my will more important than His. There is no future in my fronting and my truth may just be the thing to set the captives free. Holy Spirit spoke to me that I can’t set someone free from something that never had me bound.
At the next morning session Pastor Touré talked about the reimagining of the woman in a way that makes me long to replay the message again because I know I missed somethings. He came out the gate shooting from the hip by saying, “When you have been opressed for so long it becomes normal.” Man made doctrine and improper interpretation of the Bible has led us to opression that God never intended. Woman is an extension of man and there for his equal not his doormat nor his assistant. We are to be united fronts. Positioned sometimes back to back or even side by side but not with the woman in the man’s shadow. In order to progress the kingdom we will have to join together and break the stronghold that this improper thought process has fortified.
In my next selected session, Releasing Regret, it was reinforced that I am a co-creator with God because that is who He designed me to be. Regret is painful and whenever I feel that pain it is because I have forgotten who I am or I’ve outgrown where I am. Also regret is what happens when we don’t know the value of something. When I release regret I free myself to become something new. I don’t have to keep reliving the things that have happened to me. Every time I talk about what they did it traps me in the frequency of that event. Acceptance is more powerful than love and every wound comes with a lie attached to it. Some stories you no longer need to retell because you no longer live in the space in which it happened to you.
I didn’t get to go to the final session I wanted to which was get up your start up due to it being at capacity. So my final session was with stylist Jason Bolin. At this point in the day I was hungry and sleepy so I didn’t glean as much as I should. One important thing he said that resonated with me is, “When you get up you should slay the day for yourself.” I am guilty of wondering what others think about my appearance and that traps me in an unnecessary prison. People will always have something to say about your appearance but won’t give you a dime to make changes. One thing I felt that Jason strongly desires is that we be confident in our personal style. We don’t have to follow the trends to be fashion forward and we don’t have to spend a bunch of money to look good. He styles some of his celebrity clients in pieces from Walmart and Target. One thing he stressed is getting things talilored to fit and how that improves your look.
Now for the final session. The Holy Spirit came through so strong and ministered to us all on a personal level. There was supposed to be a message through SJR but God did what He does best, showed up and showed out.
I did the best I could to put this event into words but I still don’t feel I did it justice. If you’re reading this blog and you want to share your experience with me please comment. Until next time….

Lies, love, and self-care

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In the background plays David Ruffin’s Walk Away From Love…

I am often accused of runnin’ game bka lying to dudes to draw them to me. That honestly isn’t the case. I usually don’t want to be bothered because a man committing to me means that I actually have the responsibility of committing back. I think my largest issue with committing to one man is what if I choose the wrong one.

One of the most freeing things I received was the revelation that I am not just some sitting duck waiting to be chosen by some magical man who will pick me as his wife. If God gives me a choice of who I will serve why wouldn’t He give me a choice of who to marry. I believe that we are given choices and once we both decide that the one in front of us is the one for us then the two become one.

People make love and relationships more difficult than it has to be and I believe that is because their exist too many cooks in the kitchen. My best friend once told me that some things are only to be understood by the man and woman involved and I have taken that to heart in my romantic endeavors. I think I have made a lot of relationships difficult in my past but now I am keeping things simple. I am meeting guys where they are and deciding where I would like to place them in my life. Sadly most guys get to stay in the friend zone. I never tell them when they have been friend zoned though. Some of my guy friends I would love to spend forever with as a married couple but they have shown/told me that is not what they want from me or in general.

Some people have tried to discourage me from my desire to be a wife and mother as if that is a bad thing so I stopped talking about it. At 31 years old most people believe that I have given up hope and that is not the case. I am a special person so it will take someone just as special to appreciate me for who I am. I have tried to settle but I usually became so miserable that I cannot stand myself nor the relationship.

2018 has been an extremely rough year for me between health issues, death, and other life issues. I didn’t quite have a nervous breakdown but I swore I was dying although multiple medical tests proved that I am just fine. What I do battle is depression and anxiety. I have spent so many years in denial and working to cover these shameful illnesses in prayer that I think my brain and body decided that they were fed up with my deception. Today June 13, 2018 is the first day that I have felt clarity in about a month. Now I have to take time to re-evaluate my life and decide what it is that I desire out of life specifically. Contrary to popular belief I would be content never getting married and having children if that was the plan God has for me but I know it isn’t so I keep desiring what He put in my heart to desire.

God speaks to us all in ways that He knows that we can hear Him but it is up to us to make sure that we are listening. Even when my world appeared to be falling apart and I couldn’t hear clearly for myself I knew that God didn’t bring me this far to drop me off and leave me. That is the amazing part of being a three part being (Body, soul, and spirit) because when body and soul fail the spirit is strong if you have fed it.

So I have done what I know how to do which is talk to God in my secret place and made decisions hoping that what I was doing is correct. I have some strong desires that go against what I have been taught so instead of allowing anxiety to cause me to act upon them I have placed those ideas on the shelf. As I type this blog I am reassuring myself that I am ok regardless of what my circumstances dictate. I am also working to allow God to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together again, instead of trying to put them back together myself.

During this break I am learning to be honest. Whether you accept the truth I feel right now or reject it is your business. I am just sharing because I need to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Maybe this will help someone, maybe it won’t. I am free.

Beauty Bakerie

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Hello Party People,

Many of you may not know this but EyePlaiNMakeup!!!!!! I am a licensed Esthetician so skin care and skin flair are a huge passion of mine. I typically don’t refer to myself as a MUA because what I do is so much more than makeup alone. Makeup is an enhancement to the beauty which already exists for myself and my playmates (Clients). With all of that being said I would love to present to some and introduce to others a makeup line that was started and is owned by a beautiful African American Queen (Cashmere) who over came many adversities and brought us a cruelty free brown girl friendly bake shop. I was recently blessed with the opportunity to be an affiliate with the brand that I am excited to dive into. I don’t have a huge amount of extra coins (yet) but I am willing to invest in this company because I get a good vibe from them. So please click my link and enjoy the beauty that the Bakerie has to offer.

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Honesty

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I have been going back and forth with myself about a hypothetical situation so I think I’ll share it with you all.

Please keep in mind that until I am married I am single! Also I wish I could draw this blog out in a draft because you may get a little confused but if you do let me know in the comments.

Here we go. Boundaries. All relationships have them or at least they should. A person is in a committed non-marital relationship and it is long distance but they are unsure if the other party is going to commit to the sacrifice of relocation to make the relationship work. At this point the first party has left the decision in the lap of their significant other because, lets face it, nobody wants to be the muse of someone’s regret. So here is where it gets sticky.

*Disclaimer* Because I am not putting people’s business out here in these streets I’ll use code names: A person = Planted and their significant other= Shifting.

So Planted meets someone unintentionally and they are feeling the person, I mean vibing heavy. Planted informed Someone about the relationship s/he is currently in but offers to take Someone out to lunch. This could be a red flag. Someone decides to go for the meal because Planted is attractive and intelligent. A few days after said interaction Someone asks Planted their intentions. Planted informs Someone that its platonic and doesn’t want to give off the vibe that there is something more going on as s/he is in a relationship. There are more details but I don’t think they are necessary for this discussion in which I have been having with myself as a fly on the wall of this situation.

I have conflicting thoughts about this situation because I am not sure how I would feel if I was Shifting. I do this odd thing where I try to place myself in the shoes of all parties prior to weighing in on the situation. I don’t want to do something to someone that I wouldn’t want done to me. Then I think about if the shoe was on the other foot my feelings wouldn’t be considered because as humans we are hedonistic in nature. Now if I were Shifting I realize that if I give my significant other any inkling of a thought that I may jump ship that I am giving that person a license to at least look at the menu and if tempted to sample. As Planted I would do my best to support my significant other while also letting them know that I will not wait on them forever. If I were someone I would tread lightly because Planted may not be telling the whole truth.

I don’t like to assume that all people are liars but just because you explain a situation to a person thoroughly does not mean you have access to all of the information to share the sides of both parties involved. Honestly this situation is a toss up and someone could potentially be hurt if not handled properly. The thing is only time will tell how this situation will play out but in the meantime I think you can weigh-in on your perspective of the situation.

Waiting for love

Fake it till you make it is a common cliche but I honestly cannot down play the accuracy.

In the church we have changed it to Faith it till you make it but either way you’re projecting what you want to see into the atmosphere and waiting for it to manifest into your life. In my case love is no different. When I ended the romantic portion of my friendship with the man whom I have loved for the past 5 years I prayed hard not to become mean, whorish, and/or numb. When your heart breaks it is easy to fall back into old habits because they are familiar and you are seeking comfort. However I felt like since I’m hurting already I may as well take all of the pain needed to get to my next. I know often when I blog I sound as if I have all of the answers but I do not.  I just take this life one moment at a time and do the best that I can.

Ever since I was a young girl I have wanted to be married and have a family. I feel as if my purpose is tied into being a wife and a mother. At 31 I am now a career woman and have added having a wonderful career to my life’s pie of wholeness. One day it hit me that I don’t have to choose one over the other. For so long I have compartmentalized my life which made me feel as if I have been pulled in multiple directions but that is not how life works at all.

I am a wonderful pile of pieces to a beautiful puzzle. I don’t have all of the pieces together because I am still discovering who I am with God’s help. However, the pieces to the puzzle that I am aware of are weaved together in a manner that I am not intelligent enough to put together myself. I am a masterpiece who was put together by The Creator of the universe. I am a perfect mixture of sass, class, pride, humility, love, passion, fire, gentleness, aggression, spirituality, sensuality, and so much more. I am not limited at all. Most importantly one attribute doesn’t cancel out the other.

I once thought that universal acceptance of self was a destination I’d reach and then enjoy that location the rest of my days but as I grow, develop, and change I realize that I am constantly learning who I am and how to accept that. Now you may wonder what all of this has to do with waiting on love but I have been waiting for something that has existed within me all along. I have spent all of my life longing to be loved and accepted while giving love I didn’t have for myself to others who often didn’t deserve it. Now I am at the point where I have learned to keep some of that good love for myself. I celebrate my accomplishments, no matter how small they are, as well as my flaws because they all play a part in making me who I am.

I went on a date for the first time in God knows how long yesterday. I really like this guy and for some odd reason I let my thoughts about the situation get the best of me and had a full blown anxiety attack that sent me to bed early. I haven’t had an attack in a long time. The attacks usually make me sad because I feel as if I have lost control again even though it is mostly out of my control but this time I found it hilarious. I didn’t even have to go through my normal dispute of nonsensical outcomes of situations that have not happened.  I have been building my faith and knowing that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. God protects me and anyone or anything that comes to attempt to harm me will be handled by Him. Then I remember that I don’t have to be anxious for anything but just pray and God will give me peace. That ladies and gentleman is what I have grown to know love to be.

Now I won’t front because I could use a little Eros reciprocated in my life but I will keep walking through life receiving the Agape, Philautia, and Pragma that I get from those who choose me. The wait continues though because as I learn new things about myself I am learning new ways to show love because I am the best gift that I was ever given to me.

The moon

Let us make love under the moon and journey to places not yet explored by man.
Once guarded and jaded now open and willing to follow where ever you lead.
My heart belongs to you alone.
Every preexisting romantic impasse makes sense in the light your shadow brings.
No more false starts nor flights of fancy, this is the most genuine exchange.
I am afraid as this connection has taken me from the helm and rendered me powerless.
Dichotomous in nature is this exchange because I am more free to exist than ever.
Inexplicable passion illuminated by this state of fullness, lacking nothing.
Consciousness remains but if I had to give detail of what is occurring I’d be thoughtless.
Unsure of whether this is fact or fiction and not caring just being in the moment.
I am my beloved and finally he is mine uninhibited.
Unclad without shame nor guilt.
Two becoming one without reservation, the chains of loneliness forever broken.
Even if I existed only in the physical and he in the supernatural the two worlds cannot break this bond.
Blessed quietness reassures our once aimless souls.
Years spent laboring were seeds planted, watered, harvested, and now yielding increase.
First our Savior then our ancestors gave their lives for this manifested blessing.
We are the resurrection!
From this ever increasing union we will dominate and subdue, God’s original plan for man.
Now we journey from faith to fruition landing in ecstasy.
We have arrived, let us allow our love to flow.
Ignited by the moon, enchanted by the stars.
Our love shines bright leading others in the way of true life.
All this because we made love under the moon.