Yes I know that is graphic but I cannot find any other way to explain where I’ve been these past few weeks. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not much on the expression of my emotions except anger and joy as they are the easiest for me to get out. I was not always this way though as I was taught that my emotional response to situations wasn’t necessary, needed, nor would it change anything at a very young age. My parents separated when I was still a toddler and I remember crying because my father was no longer at home and I was told by my mother that I should just stop crying because he wasn’t coming home any more. Is that something you should tell a toddler, no, but I am sure she didn’t know what else to say.
Fast forward to my adult life I have repeatedly attracted the emotionally unavailable male. To put it simply, “It is easy to attempt to commit to a man who does not want to commit when you have commitment issues.” I use to think that if my father left me why would any other man stick around for me. I probably should have continued therapy but I don’t want to just keep talking in circles about what happened I want to accept what things were and move forward to create the life that I have always dreamed of having.
Somewhere in these past few months I have faced some of the darkest parts of my soul and it is not a comfortable journey but it is necessary for me to ascend and vibrate at a higher level. For a while I was numb because I didn’t want to feel anything and I have noticed that I’ve slipped back into that numbness as a coping mechanism. The mind is a powerful thing and you can manifest any life that you want but one of the key things is making a decision. Because this is my life I have to sit with myself to see what I feel works best for me. One of the deepest waters to tread is deciding what it is that I actually want and what is programming from my up bringing, societal norms, and various other external influences.
Another thing that I have been silently dealing with is the fact that one of my friend’s husband is hospitalized due to Covid. I am an empath and I don’t broadcast that because it makes you a target more than anything else. I have tried since the start of this to divine what the outcome of this situation will be and initially I got nothing, and that worried me. Spirit was silent. My guides and angels were silent. Then last week I got peace that he would be ok and I was relieved until I remembered that sometimes means the person will transition and be made whole on the other side. I am not saying that is what is going to happen in this case but I’ve been living with this sadness for my friend. I don’t know what he is going through but I hold space for him as much as I can. So I have been carrying pain. I have had many positive things take place over the past few days and I’ve felt tears of joy forming but had no ability to release them.
I put on a song and allowed some tears to flow.
While listening to Aretha Franklin’s Ain’t No Way tears rolled down my cheeks. My controlled thoughts traveled across my mind as I need to make a decision yet again. Some people have a revolving door in your life because you allow them to. I can honestly say some people wouldn’t come back if I didn’t allow and want them to come back. A part of my shadow work is processing through letting go of people who don’t serve my highest good. even if its just energetically. Where I am right now is a hard one because ever since I can remember this man has been emotionally unavailable but I still love him deeply. It is also a mirror image of my parental relationships where I tried to preform to please them but I never received the adoration I desired in return. So I walked away and I deaded, or so I thought, those feelings and that attraction towards this man. The fact is I still love him. Unfortunately I can’t be 100% myself with him. Not because he doesn’t like who I am nor wants to change me but my love for and affection towards him makes him uncomfortable. So I give him space.
I live in a split place in my love life where I am not willing to settle for less than I deserve but the fact remains that I love this man. Now I can do the work and cut the cords of connection to him but quite honestly I don’t want to and I don’t know if that is good or bad. I will say that I have not placed my life on hold in hopes that he will some day wake up and be everything that I know he can be towards me. I know what I want in a significant other and no matter how much I love this man I have come to the realization that at this point in life he isn’t enough. Honestly no man I currently talk to or have talked to in my past has been enough.
So as I cried today for my friend. I also cried for the release of hope of me and this man being more than just friends. I don’t have to stop loving him but how I love him has to change. I prolonged this change because I had hope that things would change. I am not saying that it isn’t possible but I am saying that I am not allowing that hope to prevent me from progressing on. I breathe deeply tonight knowing that I have the blessing of my higher self and him to let it go. Letting go doesn’t change what he means to me but it frees us both to find that connection that will serve our highest good.
Now while I didn’t have a crying fit with snot and all I did get an emotional release that I have been needing for quite some time now. If this resonates with you let me know how below.