Another one about Love

I really just wanted to talk for a moment about love.

I am guilty of attempting to awaken love before she was ready because I wanted what she has to offer. So this time I am taking my time. I have been taught that patience isn’t about the wait but how you wait and I have been working to wait with courage, faith, and determination. My excitement and desire have not died down but I realize that I can wait for what I want to last forever.

I am totally excited about the possibility of a relationship I imagined in my mind countless times coming to fruition. We have been through a lot separately and together but a huge part of it is being on the same page. We are friends. That was something that use to make me cringe but I understand that the best foundation for all romantic relationships is a good friendship.

Now keep in mind that it is best to respect the boundaries set in place by others. You cannot change someone’s mind. If a person says they don’t want a romantic encounter with you then you have to respect that and not try to push the issue. Yes I have faith and all that but why would you want to manipulate the will of someone who you claim to at least like. To take it further if you love someone then you should still love them if they decide not to do commit to you. Rejection hurts in any capacity but the outcome is you win. You may not get the one that you wanted originally but if you believe God will provide a life partner for you who is custom made by Him for you.

Please keep in mind that I don’t believe that there only exist one person who you are destined to be with just because that limits God’s abilities and doesn’t take into consideration human will. God is sovereign and can do whatever He pleases but if He gives us the choice to serve him or not I truly believe He gives us the choice of who we will marry, within reason. So I made a decision to love the one I have chosen to the extent he allows me to and if it ever comes to the point where he decides that he is no longer interested I will have to be ok with that.

Love is risky business but where there is no risk there is no reward. I bet on love and I win every time because I grow stronger and wiser. I love, love and I love to be in love with the one who loves me back. What is different this time around is my self-worth is solid because my worth is built on nothing less that Jesus’ blood and righteousness. Jesus’ love for me never fails and that knowledge I will take with me even into marriage. Take the time while single to learn the important things about God, love, and yourself. Don’t get so wrapped up in anyone nor anything that you lose your sense of self.


Love is complicated

Based off of 1 Corinthians 13 complicated isn’t used to describe love but I’ve been on this earth for 31 years and I am convinced that humans make love complicated.

I must confess that I have only been in one real romantic relationship in my entire life while the rest of what I have labeled as relationships were situationships. What is a situationship, you ask? Well it is a fake relationship type situation. If you need any more details than that make a request and I’ll do another post.

Here lately I have had to swallow some hard pills but they have taken me to a good space in my life. I have realized that I don’t own anyone and that is difficult for someone who is as territorial as I am. A significant other is a gift from God and because we are human we don’t live forever so they are placed in our care until their time in our lives is over whether they be death or growing apart. There isn’t one thing that I can do to make anyone love me nor be faithful to me, that choice is up to the individual. Please allow that to sink in.

I have also learned that infidelity isn’t the end of the world. We all have things that are deal breakers and I have had to alter that list lately. My list use to be lying, cheating, and physical abuse. Am I saying that I now accept cheating, nope, but what I am saying is I understand how it happens. I don’t believe that people who cheat are bad people, they just make bad choices. If my husband cheated I cannot honestly say that I would stay but it wouldn’t be because of the act of cheating itself but because I wouldn’t be able to trust him again. I have anxiety and its hard for me to let certain things go. Besides honesty is always the best policy so if my man feels the need to step outside of our relationship to get him a piece I would prefer him to talk things out with me before he goes down the road of no return.

Cheating psychologically messes people up and I get that because a person automatically assumes that they are the reason that their spouse cheats. Sometimes your significant other can push you into the arms of another and other times a person just want their cake and ice cream too. To that I say make sure you get all of your whoring out before you pledge your life to someone. Close all opened doors and cut off all of the ones who may have gotten away just to keep yourself safe.

And you’re the one I’ll always miss…

If you’re a Diddy fan name the song that this blog’s title comes from…lol

I was thinking about my recent interaction with a guy I’ve been crushing on since 2000. I will spare you the details and get to the meat of the issue. I really like him a whole lot and I love him too but I’m not in love with him. He makes me feel good and knows how to talk to me. The compliments he gives make me swoon. He is a pretty dope guy and he is very attractive. With all of that being said I cannot say that he is my forever.

As I grow older I understand more and more how I own nothing and no one but I am to be a good steward over who and what I have been given because at the end of the day they are all gifts from God for as long as he allows me to have them. Even with that knowledge my love and care can be a bit overwhelming. I’ve learned how to scale back a bit so I don’t make him uncomfortable but he has ab effect on me that I don’t think he understands. He is my muse, a source of inspiration. The sad fact is that with others once that attention they gives starts to bore me and/or fades away then so does my interest in them but he is different.

I don’t remember the day I met him and I don’t even know who said hi first, but it was likely me because he is shy lol. We have this connection and a bond that I dare not take for granted. Sometimes I have toyed around with the “what if’s” of a romantic relationship between us but its not something that either of us want at this point. Sometimes I think guys see me at the marrying type and feel as if that is what I want from them when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Sometimes I want to date a guy just for the experience, which is probably how I end up with so many male friends. I am an anomaly. I’m all of the perks of a home boy with all of the assets of a female. I use to battle with not being feminine enough but at 30 you either hate it or love it because I am androgynous and that will not be changing any time soon.

Now back to this fella…we have been back and forth with bad timing and bruised egos over these past 8 years or so but for once we seem to be on the same page. However due to certain circumstances we have taken some more time apart, nothing major. I miss him every day though. I miss our good morning and good night chats. I have always loved talking to him. He has this smirk that makes me laugh so hard and his eyes tell stories that words cannot express. I can’t stay upset with him because he makes things better.

After my last relationship I don’t want to box anything into what it can and cannot be and quite honestly I don’t want to be tied down like that anymore. I was free to do as I pleased but because I loved him so deeply I felt caged in because when I love someone its all or nothing, I don’t do grey areas.

I don’t know why he is back in my life nor where this is going but I tell you what, I am going to enjoy the ride!

Love and stuff…

I’m single. It’s actually cool being single for the most part. Honestly everything we do in this life will have pros and cons. I started off this year at the end of a dead end situationship and now I’m single 210% but I love a man dearly. This is how this blog came about…

At 30 years old I have become comfortable in my own skin and I am loving myself better than I have in my whole life so when it comes to a significant other I am looking for someone who can enhance my life. My “list” of must haves in a mate have changed quite drastically. I love, love and being in love but that isn’t the main thing I seek from a mate. I need compatibility. I need romance. I need excitement. But this isn’t a list of things I desire in a mate this is about where my head is currently.

Now on to the man that I love. Back in 2000 I met a shy cutie who mealted my heart. We moved away from each other but thanks to social media we have reconnected quite a few times. I’ll spare you the details and get to the point. I believe that all things happen for a reason and nothing happens by chance. Now that I’m older I don’t pray that I get to keep the ones (males) that I like. Nobody belongs to me I just get to borrow them for a period of time, even the man I’ll marry. Also not every person we like/love is “the one”.

So at this point I’m trying to just let things happen on their own and not rocking the boat. I am naturally aggressive or as someone recently told me I’m assertive. No matter the cute label you want to give it if I see something that I want I go get it and that can be overwhelming for some men. One positive is I am not holding up my past to determine my future. This situation can be a two edged sword because we have history but that is dead and we have been given a fresh start.

We will see where this goes…

16 months clean

Sex is a drug unlike any other but I have no real frame of reference because I’ve never been an addict. I don’t actually have an addictive personality and that’s mostly because I bore easily. However sex for me became a bandage for having to deal with what is actually bothering me. I didn’t abuse sex by any means, thank God, but my most recent partner understood that I needed that physical connection to help me cope with life. As soon as I showed signs of being overly cranky, extreme irritability, or down right hard to deal with we would fight and then smash (have sex).

Then one day God called me into a life of celibacy until marriage. Ironically He also wanted me to move back to home to Saginaw. If you want to know the truth if I hadn’t have moved I wouldn’t have been successful in fulfilling His request. When temptation is great God will always provide an escape. This physical separation has proven to me that I honestly do love this man. I have learned how to combat anxiety. When tough times come I pray and cry out to God to help me through. When my mom’s friend passed, my love was right there to kiss my forehead and allowed me to cry. I have become more vulnerable and open to express my emotions in a positive way. Overall I have become a better me.

I haven’t had sex in one year and four months and I have not died. Keep listening to married folks who go home to their boo and cuddle up at night on how to be kept. I’m in the trenches with the single, saved, and fighting to stay celibate. I am a resource placed here by Godso use me wisely while I’m still single.

I’m First

I felt guilty for the longest time but now I’m growing more comfortable in my decision. Let me explain…

When I love, I love hard and until the death of me. I’ve spent most of my life making decisions that would please and benefit others. Slowly but surely I have taken the reigns of my life and went on a journey to do what makes me happy. The problem is I’ve spent so much of my life living in the shadows of others that I haven’t had a true idea of who I am nor who I want to be.

I thought my identity was in my occupation but I’ve not be able to land a solid career post college graduation. My original identity was in my family but that fell apart starting with my parent’s divorce, my mother moving us around, and my brother getting married and starting a family. Then I found myself attaching my identity to the man that I love and that relationship turned out to be everything I don’t want forever. I found myself moving back in with my father and contracting at my old job. I felt failure again.

Sometimes failure feels like death and we often associate death with the end of a thing. I have learned throughout my many failures that death brings new life. I have been re-purposed for every task that has been set before me. Each time I feel like a new born baby. I’m getting a chance at life all over again.

The man I’ve been in love with for the past several years is a wonderful man but no matter how we try to make things work they always fall apart. There could be many reasons for that but the one that sticks out in my heart the most is, he is not the one. That is a hard concept for me to swallow because I love him more than I’ve ever loved another man prior to him. Me breaking things off with him and moving away was another rebirthing for me. I’m not going to bash him but this situation is the reasoning behind this post, he never put me first.

I know some people have long lists of requirements that they desire in their significant other, myself included, but here recently there is one thing that I felt selfish about previously but now it is an all or nothing. I need to be first but I never put myself first. That’s the great thing about assumed failure, if you’re smart you spend time figuring out what went wrong. Sometimes it takes a minute for things to settle in my mind but once I got it, I got it.

So now I put myself first. For anybody in this same struggle, its hard but its worth it. I am an empath. (A person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.) Because of this I want to help others feel better which leads to me putting other before myself. So now I struggle to put me above others.

I said all of that to say I can’t marry a man unless he prioritizes his life right. God first then me and then everyone else. Now all I have to do is make a decision and stick with it.

Am I really ready to get married….?

So I have talks with my spiritual moma about once a month because I need life guidance. Usually when we talk I ask her a bunch of questions about life and direction and she answers them but sometimes she says some things that I meant to ask and forgot. In today’s conversation she informed me that if I am to be married that I should act as a wife would. In the realm of faith you should be able to see what a person is believing for without them saying a word. I honestly cannot say I have been acting as a wife would. There are things that I do and I question how my husband would feel about said action, specifically my dealings with the opposite sex.

If you’ve been following me for any amount of time you realize that I am androgynous, look it up, however some of my interactions with the opposite walk the fine line of friend and other. I am a sensual being and I know I give off sexual energy even when that isn’t my intent. I use to be ashamed of this but I am who I am. I am not promiscuous by any means but when I was sexually active I enjoyed having conversations about it as well as doing it.

Prior to committing to sexual purity I had a sexual bucket list so to speak. (A list of homies I wanted to smash) Before you side eye me the list was very small! In my mind I justified “getting it all out of my system” so that once I got married I wouldn’t desire anyone except my husband. Now my list is a bit different. There are some of my male friends that I would like to hang out with one last time before I enter marital bliss. Considering the previous statements in this post I honestly don’t think that is a good idea especially since one of the gentlemen in particular has been attracted to me physically since we were 14 years old.

I said in one of my previous post that the best advice on marriage I’ve ever received is to measure twice and cut once and I mean that. Marriage is serious and should be for life so I have no desire to get married until I know for sure that I and my partner will be able to commit to the journey. I am not double minded in this at all but I honestly cannot say that I know 100% for sure that I am ready to commit to one man for the rest of my life. I do not feel the need to date at this time because I’m doing personal growth and development so that I can truly enjoy the person who looks back at me when I look in the mirror. I also have zero (0) desires to enter into another dead end situationship, I can do bad all by myself. Every time I’ve tried to commit it has backfired on me so I put the fate of my romantic life in the hands of God and I trust that He will tell me when it is time. After all God does know me better than I know myself.

I suppose the process now is to alter my life in such a way that I am not as flirtatious as I can be. I love the energy that men bring into my life and it isn’t always about a sexual energy but a comfort and brotherhood so I can work to make sure those boundaries are established and never crossed. Over all I have to learn a new normal which how my life has been these past several months anyway. I asked what I needed to do to prepare to be a wife so now I officially know another piece to the puzzle. I must let go of what I want to get what I need and enjoy delayed gratification. I still love my homies though but it looks like its time for me to go MIA (Missing In Action) again so that I can get the one I need.

I am extremely territorial so I know I wouldn’t want my husband doing some of the flirtatious things I do with men, with women so I should respect him even though he has not yet physically manifested into my life. Me and my sister have a saying, “I stay ready so when I need to be ready I don’t have to get ready,” and that means always be prepared for what you’re waiting for so that when it comes you are not scrambling around to get your stuff together. Its randomly put together but this is what was on my heart, I hope it helps.

Never single but not often in a relationship…


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I’m ready for you to judge me but I don’t even care. If you’re super churchy you may want to stop here.

I am the youngest of two and my older sibling is a boy. Most of my cousins, in my age group are male as well as most of my friends. I feel more comfortable around men than women most of the time and most of it is not sexual. I also happen to be androgynous, look it up.

I send so many mystic signals on social media that I often get messages questioning my relationship status. I am not married, yet. I am not married yet because…go read my last blog. That’s not the reason for this post though. Who is bae? That is a complicated answer but I’ll try not to confuse you.

For about 3 years I was in a situationship, more of a situation than a relationship. So there is him. He is also apart of a group of my three male best friends who are known as Bestie Inc. At some point in life they could all be labeled “bae”. Sometimes my parents, brother, cousins, sisters, and female friends can be bae. Basically if you come in clutch and show me love you could be considered bae. That’s how I end up never being single. Not often in a relationship is easier to explain because I haven’t committed to any man since 2005.

The reason for this post is me working through the oddities of my personal life in hopes of not having a complicated romantic relationship when I do decide to commit. I wrote in my last post about how I still love my ex which is true and I don’t think it will never change. I still care about every man I have ever exchanged I love yours with. My heart is different and I am unashamed of that. I believe others can relate to this but where I differ is I respect boundaries. Some of my exes and old flames are married now so I just check on them from time to time to make sure they are ok. For the most part the romantic feelings are gone and I have a deep appreciation for them and the time we shared together. With each situation I learned a valuable lesson about what I want and don’t want in a relationship.

More specifically I have a friend who I’ve known since birth. We have an open communication and understanding that no matter what happens or where we are that we will always love each other. Sometimes that means no matter who we are in a relationship with we always have each other’s back. I often wonder how my significant other will feel about this. Good thing is I have no issues being upfront and honest about all of my interactions with whomever I am with. I don’t believe in keeping secrets. AND if he states that me interacting with any of my male friends make him uncomfortable I will do what makes him most comfortable.

I am not currently dating anyone but I’m a thinker so I have to make sure I ponder where I am in life in regards to where I want to be. The best advice I’ve ever gotten about marriage is always measure twice and cut once. Just think about it…

How do you learn to Unlove someone?


I have spent countless hours trying to discover how it is that I could be utterly annihilated by a person and still love them unconditionally. This is true with family, friends, and baes. I do poses the ability to hold a grudge. I can mentally kill someone off and they can be standing next to me and it is as if they are Casper to me. I don’t mention said person’s name and if they are brought up in conversation I’ll say, “I don’t speak of the dead.” Quite frankly some people are dead to me and they still live and breathe on this earth. I do not wish them any ill will and I pray God blesses them with the desires of their hearts and so much distance from me that I’ll never have to see them again. Am I wrong in this, I might be but only God can truly judge me.

I don’t have to explain myself at all but I’ll give you a few details on why it is that it is better for me not to associate with the memory of some things. I’m going to write about my mommy issues one day but I’ll give you a snipet now. My mother was married to a man who isn’t my father. I never liked him. He had decent qualities but so do stray dogs, doesn’t mean I want to take them into my house and feed them but I digress. This man tried to kill my mother. He shot her and spent maybe like a week or two in jail and that was it. My mother hates the court system and she really didn’t want to see him go to jail. I’ve seen my mom go through a lot including frequent hospital stays and near death experiences but God always brought her back to me. I’d hate to lose my mother but in so many ways as I child, adolescent, and young adult I already have. Him shooting her was only the straw that broke the camel’s back but the years of having to live in the house with him while he forced a wedge between my mother and I was probably the worst part of my life. Worse than being hungry and homeless. Worse than being heartbroken by males who swore to love me. Worse than my parent’s divorce.

Now considering all of that I find myself remembering to forgive him because he isn’t a bad man he just made horrible choices. That is my approach to forgiveness, people don’t know any better even when malicious and intentional. It is impossible to live this life without offence but woe unto the man who causes it. (Luke 17:1) Every day I work to forget the years of pain caused by that man’s place in my life. Rome wasn’t built in a day and forgetting isn’t always easy.

So back to the topic at hand. I have some close friends who have hurt me to my core but I still find myself wanting to be there for them because we have formed a bond that I felt I needed to sustain some sense of normalcy in my life. I am a very guarded person and once I get past a certain point in the trust and disclosure cycle I feel as if that person should be in my life for life. The people who reap the benefits the most out of this are the males with whom I have had romantic involvement.

Currently I’m learning how to live life again without the left side of my brain/the right part of my heart. This man literally drives me crazy for reasons I’ll likely disclose at a later date but I love him very much. He isn’t the only man I feel bonded to. One thing I have noticed is that the passionate feeling isn’t constant, it comes and goes but the love never fades. I have tried for years to stop loving one man in particular and it doesn’t matter if I haven’t talked to him for months one phone call or texting session warms my heart. However my head understands that these men are not my forever so I don’t force the issue. My concern is why doesn’t the love I have for them ever fade.

I can be quoted, “If I have loved you once I will love you forever,” and that is true of anyone no matter what they say or do. I try to force the love out of my heart but it remains as if it is super glued on my heart. I know I started this blog as if I found the answer but this is more of an open dialogue and kind of a cry for help. I know I can’t be the only person who has experienced this.

…to be continued

Why I’m single…again

Sorry not sorry about constantly writing about relationships. I have great passion for having and helping others to have good healthy relationships with themselves and with others. so here we go…

I had a dream last night and I’m going to spare you the details because although I share a great part of myself with you, some stuff is none of your business. I have a friend who I was romantically evolved with in my early 20s. Things didn’t work out and although we are still in contact I have zero (0) interest in being romantically intertwined with him. He is a good man, as most of my exes are, but he is not the good man for me. He does make me happy, at times. However, I’m like my Abba Father and those who look back aren’t fit for the kingdom. (Luke 9:62)

I don’t do ultimatums unless they are necessary and in the case of the relationship in question they were. I was dying inside because I loved him but he loved the streets more. I told him it was her (the streets) or me and he chose the streets. He apologized and we discussed the possibility of he and I becoming us again and he said something which sparked the epiphany that caused this blog. He said, “Baby I’m working on somethings and when I get myself together I’m coming for you.” He is not the only man who has said something like this to me and this conversation took place over a year ago but after the dream I have realized just exactly why I am single.

I am a pretty selfless person and when I love a guy I invest myself in his life to make it better for him. I am ambitious and a go getter. If there is something and sometimes someone I like I am going to do what I have to do to obtain it/him. I am aggressive and have no issues approaching a man. I’ve battled within myself about who I am because of societal norms. Funny thing is almost every guy I’ve dated has loved that quality about me. Side note: I don’t care how much someone else likes something about you until you like that quality about yourself it will not matter. With all of that in mind Holy Spirit whispered to me one day that I need to allow a man to be a man. I have heard that before but I have bucked against the notion for years because I had early access to some fairly weak men who discouraged me from being an Alpha female. I cannot just blame this on men because women who are older than me have told me that I need to learn how to not be so dominate because I scare men away. I use to care but I do not any more.My man will take me as I am or leave me alone.

Now…Why is Ciza single? There is no one answer but I’ll give you just a few reasons that I’ve discovered. I have never been promiscuous, contrary to popular belief, but commitment hasn’t ever been my thing because I like my freedom. You can ask my parents and older brother I hated being told what to do as a child, adolescent, and young adult. I have always wanted to get married but I haven’t felt that any man I have entertained has been worthy of making that next step. I have talked about marriage and even considered marrying a few of my old flames but the playa in me just couldn’t do it, or so I thought.

There is a story about an apple at the top of a tree and how that is where the best apples exist and only the bravest man will go through what is necessary to access that apple. In the story I am the apple but I haven’t entertained a gentleman who would find a ladder to climb the tree and pick me. I have had a few that came close but they refused to complete the mission. They talked a good game but never committed themselves to consistently pursue me. Often we blame ourselves for why certain things haven’t happened and at times that is true but we must remember that relationships require two willing participants unless manipulation is involved and that is another post for another day.

To whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48) I bring a lot to the table. I’m smart, book and street. I am successful. I am loving. I am kind. I am self-sufficient save my dependence on God. I am beautiful inside and out. My mouth is more slick than a vat of WD-40. I am well taken care of (spoiled). I have been healed from mommy and daddy issues. I am passionate and opinionated. I have anxiety attacks and insomnia more often that I admit. I dream huge and I intend on achieving every last one of my dreams. I fight depression and allowing people to walk over me as if I am a doormat. I am constantly evolving as I discover who God has made me to be. I am not perfect. Sometimes my temper gets the best of me. I don’t know how to be fake because if I don’t like you, you will know it. I am honest, too honest sometimes. I refuse to even seriously date a man who is not Christian (saved, sanctified, Holy ghost filled, and fire baptized!)  I still have strong bonds with most of the men I have loved because I don’t know how to turn love off but I respect and enforce boundaries. I have some shame and guilt over bad decisions I’ve made in my past. But none of this is why I am single.

For a long time I didn’t think I was worthy to be loved how I yearn to be loved. I have felt rejected and unwanted most of my life because I am strange and I don’t fit in with any of my family. One gift that has been given to me is forgiveness of myself and others but mostly of myself. The biggest reason why I am single is because patience hasn’t had her perfect work in me yet. I still need to heal on the inside from emotional and spiritual pain. Now I’m not saying that God isn’t capable of sending me a man that can help me through this process but what I am saying is that most men I have encountered I have outgrown. No man to date has been god enough to do what is required to acquire me.

My biological and spiritual fathers take really good care of me. My older brother practically raised me. Most of my older cousins that I grew up around protect me. My uncles showed me how men should treat women like me. I haven’t met a man who treats me nearly as good as they do. Talk is cheap and its going to cost you (a man) to get with me and any other woman like me. I am a rare jewel who brings great wealth and satisfaction to he who will pay the price of my worth. I have met one man who I know, knew my worth based off of his actions but he still didn’t do what was necessary to establish the relationship.

I’m going through this process of life and I hope to help others along my journey. I’m sure there are other things that I will learn as I employ patience more in my romantic life and I hope you will stay with me throughout this process. We  have so many examples of the after effects of this process but not many examples of the going through. I will make mistakes but that’s where my messages will come from. Don’t make my mistakes. Be better than me. God is love! Ciza!