Fake it till you make it is a common cliche but I honestly cannot down play the accuracy.
In the church we have changed it to Faith it till you make it but either way you’re projecting what you want to see into the atmosphere and waiting for it to manifest into your life. In my case love is no different. When I ended the romantic portion of my friendship with the man whom I have loved for the past 5 years I prayed hard not to become mean, whorish, and/or numb. When your heart breaks it is easy to fall back into old habits because they are familiar and you are seeking comfort. However I felt like since I’m hurting already I may as well take all of the pain needed to get to my next. I know often when I blog I sound as if I have all of the answers but I do not. I just take this life one moment at a time and do the best that I can.
Ever since I was a young girl I have wanted to be married and have a family. I feel as if my purpose is tied into being a wife and a mother. At 31 I am now a career woman and have added having a wonderful career to my life’s pie of wholeness. One day it hit me that I don’t have to choose one over the other. For so long I have compartmentalized my life which made me feel as if I have been pulled in multiple directions but that is not how life works at all.
I am a wonderful pile of pieces to a beautiful puzzle. I don’t have all of the pieces together because I am still discovering who I am with God’s help. However, the pieces to the puzzle that I am aware of are weaved together in a manner that I am not intelligent enough to put together myself. I am a masterpiece who was put together by The Creator of the universe. I am a perfect mixture of sass, class, pride, humility, love, passion, fire, gentleness, aggression, spirituality, sensuality, and so much more. I am not limited at all. Most importantly one attribute doesn’t cancel out the other.
I once thought that universal acceptance of self was a destination I’d reach and then enjoy that location the rest of my days but as I grow, develop, and change I realize that I am constantly learning who I am and how to accept that. Now you may wonder what all of this has to do with waiting on love but I have been waiting for something that has existed within me all along. I have spent all of my life longing to be loved and accepted while giving love I didn’t have for myself to others who often didn’t deserve it. Now I am at the point where I have learned to keep some of that good love for myself. I celebrate my accomplishments, no matter how small they are, as well as my flaws because they all play a part in making me who I am.
I went on a date for the first time in God knows how long yesterday. I really like this guy and for some odd reason I let my thoughts about the situation get the best of me and had a full blown anxiety attack that sent me to bed early. I haven’t had an attack in a long time. The attacks usually make me sad because I feel as if I have lost control again even though it is mostly out of my control but this time I found it hilarious. I didn’t even have to go through my normal dispute of nonsensical outcomes of situations that have not happened. I have been building my faith and knowing that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. God protects me and anyone or anything that comes to attempt to harm me will be handled by Him. Then I remember that I don’t have to be anxious for anything but just pray and God will give me peace. That ladies and gentleman is what I have grown to know love to be.
Now I won’t front because I could use a little Eros reciprocated in my life but I will keep walking through life receiving the Agape, Philautia, and Pragma that I get from those who choose me. The wait continues though because as I learn new things about myself I am learning new ways to show love because I am the best gift that I was ever given to me.