Now before you holy rollers jump down my throat let me explain….
I joke and say I was probably in church shortly before and after my conception as a testament to how much God is life. Unlike many other’s I didn’t go to church because my mom and dad dragged me, I legitimately wanted to be there. I literally have loved God my entire life even when I decided to kick him to the curve and do my own thing I still prayed. Now I had usually gotten myself into some kind of trouble but I knew to pray none-the-less.
I was always taught to remain pure and there were a lot of reason’s I decided to allow someone’s son to defile me. Being a virgin was a burden that at 19 years young I didn’t want to carry around any more. Some guys befriended me just with hopes that they may be the one I decided to give myself to for the first time. Also I can be quoted, “If there is one thing that would send me to hell it would be curiosity.” So I allowed it to happen and no he was not worthy of the honor I bestowed upon him, sorry if you’re reading this sir but it is the truth. Honestly he was a victim in a plot to rid myself of the virgin cooties. I do not regret my choice and if I had to do it over again I’d likely not allow it to happen but we cannot cry over spilled milk.
Now I was not hooked nor was I an addict and I certainly didn’t feel any attachment to the young man as I had often been told that I would. I didn’t have to see him daily so that wasn’t an issue and I only saw him in person like one time after that. I was just grateful that I didn’t get pregnant or an STD and that he was handsome, yes I’m vain. Some people take my confidence in sharing this information as me being unrepentant, trust me I have repented multitudes of times for that act alone.
11 years later, almost to the date and I have been abstinent and celibate off and on for most off that time. Now let me define these words for you so that you’re aware of the difference between the two.
ABSTINENT : the practice of not doing or having something that is wanted or enjoyable : the practice of abstaining from something
CELIBACY : abstention from sexual intercourse
I am a firm believer that we give meaning to words based on our experiences. So when I was abstinent I just didn’t have sex but if it was offered I wouldn’t have refused it but considering I went like 7 years without sex I should have been celibate lmbo! But I digress. When I rededicated my life back to Christ I was about 23 years old and depressed/heartbroken and I knew only God could fix me.
Why does Celibacy suck?
I am currently 30 years old and for the first time in my life, it seems, staying pure has been the most difficult that I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t blog about this when I was going through because I would have been all in my feelings so now that I am calm and sane I can open my heart to you all. I was single, saved, and having sex but I knew that wasn’t right. I firmly believe in living life the way God instructs us to but that wasn’t ever motivation enough for me to give up the booty cold turkey. As a believer I have tested this theory time and time again, until it becomes real to you, you will not abide by a God given command.
I was in a dead-end situationship with a wonderful man who treated me decent. I know he wasn’t God’s best for me but he was Ce’Aira’s best for herself, all of that is another blog post for another day. I was growing closer and closer to God daily and He spoke to me and asked me to stop having sex. I knew it wasn’t satan because he wouldn’t tell me not to smash the homies so I agreed. So far it has been 1 year and 14 days by God’s grace because I dropped out of the race a long time ago.
I have a few factors that made this lifestyle change suck. I am single with no children and 30 years young. It is one thing to fight the natural human urges to have sex, which I had when I was a virgin FYI, but to add biology on top of that SWEET JESUS ITS A FIRE!!! The issue probably only lasted a few days but it felt like an eternity. I prayed and cried out to God and even had decided that if I slipped up, oh well. Then God sent me an angel via my sis and she helped to get me through that rough time by giving me tough love and encouragement.
The benefit to being celibate is I have taken time to get to know myself and how I fell into sex temptation all of those other times. I am sensual and nurturing which is something men love. I give off this energy even when I don’t know it is happening. I grew up with mostly male influence so you must understand I don’t view every man as a potential mate, I’m androgynous (look it up) so a lot of times I just like kicking it with guys. Throughout college I have been in close proximity with the opposite sex and nothing sexual happened. Now when I say close proximity I mean laying in bed, fully clothed, next to one another. I can no longer do that. I could trust those men with my life and I still can but they respected me in ways that other men don’t. One gentleman in particular refuse to have sex with me because he respected me too much. I didn’t understand that then because at 20 years old girls just want to have fun but at 29 I grew to understand just what he meant and I will love him forever for that.
I have to make wise decisions because when I told God I’d keep my legs closed that meant I had to make sure not to allow myself to get into situations where sex could possibly happen. There are some men in my life who respect my celibate lifestyle and won’t cross that boundary but men will be men. I have to be careful what I say, what I wear, and certain moves I make. I cannot control others but I can control myself and when you have spent so many years just doing what you do containing all of that takes time and energy.
On the flip side the pleasure I felt when I spent quality time, my number one love language, with two gentlemen who I could have had sex with no questions asked and I contained myself, Yassss LAWD!!! I was on cloud 17 because in my heart I knew my Father in heaven was please with my performance, or lack there of. Yes I believe in grace and mercy but the joy of obedience can only be felt when you give that total yes to what God had called you to do, whatever that may be. Yes being celibate sucks but the benefits surpass the temporary pain of not giving my flesh what it wants.