Sorry not sorry about constantly writing about relationships. I have great passion for having and helping others to have good healthy relationships with themselves and with others. so here we go…
I had a dream last night and I’m going to spare you the details because although I share a great part of myself with you, some stuff is none of your business. I have a friend who I was romantically evolved with in my early 20s. Things didn’t work out and although we are still in contact I have zero (0) interest in being romantically intertwined with him. He is a good man, as most of my exes are, but he is not the good man for me. He does make me happy, at times. However, I’m like my Abba Father and those who look back aren’t fit for the kingdom. (Luke 9:62)
I don’t do ultimatums unless they are necessary and in the case of the relationship in question they were. I was dying inside because I loved him but he loved the streets more. I told him it was her (the streets) or me and he chose the streets. He apologized and we discussed the possibility of he and I becoming us again and he said something which sparked the epiphany that caused this blog. He said, “Baby I’m working on somethings and when I get myself together I’m coming for you.” He is not the only man who has said something like this to me and this conversation took place over a year ago but after the dream I have realized just exactly why I am single.
I am a pretty selfless person and when I love a guy I invest myself in his life to make it better for him. I am ambitious and a go getter. If there is something and sometimes someone I like I am going to do what I have to do to obtain it/him. I am aggressive and have no issues approaching a man. I’ve battled within myself about who I am because of societal norms. Funny thing is almost every guy I’ve dated has loved that quality about me. Side note: I don’t care how much someone else likes something about you until you like that quality about yourself it will not matter. With all of that in mind Holy Spirit whispered to me one day that I need to allow a man to be a man. I have heard that before but I have bucked against the notion for years because I had early access to some fairly weak men who discouraged me from being an Alpha female. I cannot just blame this on men because women who are older than me have told me that I need to learn how to not be so dominate because I scare men away. I use to care but I do not any more.My man will take me as I am or leave me alone.
Now…Why is Ciza single? There is no one answer but I’ll give you just a few reasons that I’ve discovered. I have never been promiscuous, contrary to popular belief, but commitment hasn’t ever been my thing because I like my freedom. You can ask my parents and older brother I hated being told what to do as a child, adolescent, and young adult. I have always wanted to get married but I haven’t felt that any man I have entertained has been worthy of making that next step. I have talked about marriage and even considered marrying a few of my old flames but the playa in me just couldn’t do it, or so I thought.
There is a story about an apple at the top of a tree and how that is where the best apples exist and only the bravest man will go through what is necessary to access that apple. In the story I am the apple but I haven’t entertained a gentleman who would find a ladder to climb the tree and pick me. I have had a few that came close but they refused to complete the mission. They talked a good game but never committed themselves to consistently pursue me. Often we blame ourselves for why certain things haven’t happened and at times that is true but we must remember that relationships require two willing participants unless manipulation is involved and that is another post for another day.
To whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48) I bring a lot to the table. I’m smart, book and street. I am successful. I am loving. I am kind. I am self-sufficient save my dependence on God. I am beautiful inside and out. My mouth is more slick than a vat of WD-40. I am well taken care of (spoiled). I have been healed from mommy and daddy issues. I am passionate and opinionated. I have anxiety attacks and insomnia more often that I admit. I dream huge and I intend on achieving every last one of my dreams. I fight depression and allowing people to walk over me as if I am a doormat. I am constantly evolving as I discover who God has made me to be. I am not perfect. Sometimes my temper gets the best of me. I don’t know how to be fake because if I don’t like you, you will know it. I am honest, too honest sometimes. I refuse to even seriously date a man who is not Christian (saved, sanctified, Holy ghost filled, and fire baptized!) I still have strong bonds with most of the men I have loved because I don’t know how to turn love off but I respect and enforce boundaries. I have some shame and guilt over bad decisions I’ve made in my past. But none of this is why I am single.
For a long time I didn’t think I was worthy to be loved how I yearn to be loved. I have felt rejected and unwanted most of my life because I am strange and I don’t fit in with any of my family. One gift that has been given to me is forgiveness of myself and others but mostly of myself. The biggest reason why I am single is because patience hasn’t had her perfect work in me yet. I still need to heal on the inside from emotional and spiritual pain. Now I’m not saying that God isn’t capable of sending me a man that can help me through this process but what I am saying is that most men I have encountered I have outgrown. No man to date has been god enough to do what is required to acquire me.
My biological and spiritual fathers take really good care of me. My older brother practically raised me. Most of my older cousins that I grew up around protect me. My uncles showed me how men should treat women like me. I haven’t met a man who treats me nearly as good as they do. Talk is cheap and its going to cost you (a man) to get with me and any other woman like me. I am a rare jewel who brings great wealth and satisfaction to he who will pay the price of my worth. I have met one man who I know, knew my worth based off of his actions but he still didn’t do what was necessary to establish the relationship.
I’m going through this process of life and I hope to help others along my journey. I’m sure there are other things that I will learn as I employ patience more in my romantic life and I hope you will stay with me throughout this process. We have so many examples of the after effects of this process but not many examples of the going through. I will make mistakes but that’s where my messages will come from. Don’t make my mistakes. Be better than me. God is love! Ciza!